I have created a blog through my own website. If you want to continue to follow My Prevailing Thoughts, you can find it at:
http://dennischristianson.net/blog/
Thank you.
Dennis
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, December 19, 2009
MALE AFFECTIVE DISORDER - REPOST for the Christmas season
Having a background in mental health services sometimes puts an interesting skew on my thinking. The other day I was listening to a report on seasonal affective disorder and the effect it has on people who deal with it. The report mentioned the symptoms of the disorder, the course of the disorder and the usual treatments for it. In this blog, I am NOT making light of this real disorder, but I am hoping that I can bring humankind a greater understanding of another disorder through these prevailing thoughts.
So, I was thinking: I know it to be true that seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is more common in females. Males do experience it, but I wondered if some males deal with something similar, but different. Hmmm? Male affective disorder (MAD). MAD! That’s it! That explains a lot right there. Now, the name of this, as-of-yet-unstudied, disorder implies that it is a uniquely male phenomenon and, while this is not strictly true, the nickname does seem quite descriptive on several levels.
If the American Psychiatric Association gets around to studying this disorder, I think they’ll come up with a description something like this:
DESCRIPTION: Male affective disorder (MAD) is often characterized by a general inability to accurately identify and relate to emotions expressed by others, especially those of females living in the same household. It is further characterized by obvious signs of physical discomfort in the sufferer when presented with requests to respond appropriately to the affective state of another. Male affective disorder does not blunt the emotional response of the sufferer rather, it tends to limit the sufferer to those emotional and affective responses that resemble the following: irritation, orneriness, disgust, impatience and general grumpiness.
ONSET AND SYMPTOMS: The onset of male affective disorder is subtle and may be firmly entrenched before it is finally identified. It is usually identified by the age of 50; however, subtle warning signs may begin as early as age 40. Identification before age 40 would be designated as “early onset type". A warning sign that MAD is developing occurs when those who share the household with a male find themselves saying things like: “Oh oh, dad is getting MAD”. Another common phrase used by those who share the household with a MAD sufferer is: “My dad is grumpy.” Unless “dad” is a dwarf, this is sure indication that a MAD sufferer resides in the household.
TREATMENT: There is no known cure for MAD at the present time; however, once the disorder has been identified the sufferer and his loved ones can begin to take steps to minimize the disruption caused by the disorder. If the sufferer recognizes how others are viewing him, he may choose to decrease his MAD presentation. If the loved ones recognize that they live with a MAD sufferer, they might learn to take the MAD symptoms less personally. This requires understanding that MAD is a condition common to most middle age males and is not really in response to anything in particular.
For what it's worth, I hope this helps you this Christmas season. Merry Christmas!
So, I was thinking: I know it to be true that seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is more common in females. Males do experience it, but I wondered if some males deal with something similar, but different. Hmmm? Male affective disorder (MAD). MAD! That’s it! That explains a lot right there. Now, the name of this, as-of-yet-unstudied, disorder implies that it is a uniquely male phenomenon and, while this is not strictly true, the nickname does seem quite descriptive on several levels.
If the American Psychiatric Association gets around to studying this disorder, I think they’ll come up with a description something like this:
DESCRIPTION: Male affective disorder (MAD) is often characterized by a general inability to accurately identify and relate to emotions expressed by others, especially those of females living in the same household. It is further characterized by obvious signs of physical discomfort in the sufferer when presented with requests to respond appropriately to the affective state of another. Male affective disorder does not blunt the emotional response of the sufferer rather, it tends to limit the sufferer to those emotional and affective responses that resemble the following: irritation, orneriness, disgust, impatience and general grumpiness.
ONSET AND SYMPTOMS: The onset of male affective disorder is subtle and may be firmly entrenched before it is finally identified. It is usually identified by the age of 50; however, subtle warning signs may begin as early as age 40. Identification before age 40 would be designated as “early onset type". A warning sign that MAD is developing occurs when those who share the household with a male find themselves saying things like: “Oh oh, dad is getting MAD”. Another common phrase used by those who share the household with a MAD sufferer is: “My dad is grumpy.” Unless “dad” is a dwarf, this is sure indication that a MAD sufferer resides in the household.
TREATMENT: There is no known cure for MAD at the present time; however, once the disorder has been identified the sufferer and his loved ones can begin to take steps to minimize the disruption caused by the disorder. If the sufferer recognizes how others are viewing him, he may choose to decrease his MAD presentation. If the loved ones recognize that they live with a MAD sufferer, they might learn to take the MAD symptoms less personally. This requires understanding that MAD is a condition common to most middle age males and is not really in response to anything in particular.
For what it's worth, I hope this helps you this Christmas season. Merry Christmas!
Monday, September 21, 2009
"WHAT" is the Best Response to "WHY"
Why?
It is natural and normal to ask “why” questions when we are faced with tough challenges and things we don’t understand.
When we don’t understand things we ask why questions like: “Why are your dirty socks on the floor?” “Why can’t you put them in the laundry?” “Why does your mother visit so often?”
Or more seriously, when we don’t understand things we ask God why questions in the same way that the writers of the Psalms did. Read these why questions in the Psalms:
Psalm 10:1 Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
Psalm 22:1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
Psalm 42:9 I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
Psalm 43:2 You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
Psalm 44:24 Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression?
Psalm 74:1 Why have you rejected us forever, O God? Why does your anger smolder against the sheep of your pasture?
Psalm 88:14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me?
We also ask God other some other personal and very serious “why” questions. When we are troubled and we don’t understand things we ask God things like: “Why won’t you heal my child?” “Why won’t my spouse love me?” “Why did my loved one have to die?”
I repeat: It is natural and normal to ask why questions when we are faced with situations we don’t like and don’t understand. Occasionally, I do communication training for couples and groups. I teach them that asking too many “why” questions can be an ineffective communication style. I teach them that asking too many "why" questions can create roadblocks to fully understanding each other. I teach them that "why" questions are usually just thinly veiled complaints pretending to be questions. In American culture we are told it is okay to ask questions, but it is not okay to complain. So we have learned to ask questions that are really just complaints.
When you ask: “Why are your dirty socks on the floor?” I think you are really saying: “I don’t like it when I find your dirty socks on the floor. Please put them in the laundry.” I am using this why question as the example because we all can relate to it and it is a relatively mild example so you can understand my point. From there you can apply what you learn to other types of "why" questions.
When you ask why questions you trick yourself and others into thinking you really want an answer. If you ask: “Why are your dirty socks on the floor?” It is reasonable to assume you want an answer. So what if you get this answer:
“Well you see. When I came home from work I was tired so I sat down to watch some t.v.. I took off my shoes and socks and fell asleep. I meant to put my socks in the laundry but when I woke up I was so groggy that I just stumbled into bed and forgot all about them…until now. So now you know why my dirty sock are on the floor.”
Now to be honest if you get that answer the conversation is likely to proceed like this:
“I don’t care why your socks are on the floor I just want you to pick them up and stop leaving them there.”
“But you asked ‘Why are your socks on the floor?’ so I told you.”
“I know I asked but I don’t care why I just want you to pick them up.”
“Oh, ok. I’ll pick them up then.”
You see, “why” questions are often just statements of complaint and not really questions at all. Think about that fact when you see "why" questions in scripture like we just read.
Sometimes when we ask a "why" question there is a really good answer to the question, but the reason why still doesn’t satisfy us because all we really want is for the situation to be different than it is. Consider the dirty socks again:
“Why are your dirty socks on the floor?”
“Well let me tell you. I got home from work, took off my shoes and socks. Just as I was taking them to the laundry I noticed the neighbor’s house was on fire so I ran out barefoot, rescued five people from the flames, helped the fireman put out the fire, took the injured to the hospital and got home just before you did and started making supper for you. That’s why my socks are still on the floor.”
“Oh. Well...good job...but are you going to pick up your socks now?”
You see here that even a really great answer does not satisfy us when all we want is for the situation to be different. Good and factual and logical answers don’t comfort real emotions.
Think of a "why" question you have. If Jesus himself were to appear before you and answer your "why" question in detail can you even imagine a good enough answer where your response would be: “Ok God...I understand now. Thank you for doing all this. It makes perfect sense. Now that you have explained it, I understand and I am pleased with what you are doing and allowing.” I guarantee you wouldn’t say that because you will still want God to deal with your hurts and your heart. Even if God Himself provides you with good and factual answers, you would not find that your emotions have been soothed.
Why not?
"Why" questions are often emotion based, but strangely they seem to call for factual and logical answers. So when we give or receive factual and logical answers to an emotional question there is no emotional satisfaction. The answers to "why" questions often miss the emotions that are prompting the "why" question so the answers actually do little good.
If Jesus thought we could benefit from the fullest answer to our "why" questions, I think He would freely give it to us. Frankly, I also think that if Jesus were to bless us with the fullest answer to our "why" questions I don’t think any of us would even understand it anyway.
Consider Isaiah 55:8-9
8"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Jesus knows that if even if you happen to get a good answer to “why” you still have to deal with the emotional pain and physical reality of the situation. Consider this example: Say you have a toothache so you go to the dentist and ask him to look at it and explain what’s going on. The dentist will examine you and at the end of the examination he will say:
“Okay. I know what’s going on. I can tell you why you are having to deal with this pain.”
Then he will go on to explain all the reasons why you are experiencing what you are experiencing.
What if at the end of the explanations he says: “Well I’ve answered all your questions that’ll be $100. Thank you for coming in and letting me explain this to you.”
You’d say: “No way. All you did was explain why I was in pain. You didn’t do anything to make me feel better.”
You have just learned that a good answer to a why questions doesn’t make you feel any better. You still want something done. You still want something to change. Even if the explanation made perfect sense, you are still in pain. I think that means we really don’t need to know why, but we do need and want to know what can be done, what will be done to help us.
I think when we ask big why questions of God He just doesn’t answer us sometimes. He loves us, but he might not answer because he knows we are really just expressing that we don’t like a situation and really don’t need to know the reason why. I am sure He knows when we are just expressing our displeasure at something. In that case, there is no point in explaining anything to us. God also knows that even if we knew the why of a situation, the pain would still be there. At other times I think He has a really good answer, but He can’t share it because even if He would share the complete and full answer we wouldn’t comprehend it anyway – we couldn’t comprehend it. We couldn’t understand it because His ways and His thoughts are so far beyond our thoughts and ways.
Will "Why" Questions Be answered in heaven?
I have come to believe that even after I get to heaven I won’t get full and complete and satisfactory answers to some of my questions because even there I won’t be equal to God. I still won’t be able to fully comprehend His ways and His thoughts. Even in heaven I will be constantly learning things about God and His ways and His thoughts and will never fully understand all there is to know about Him and His ways. That is an aspect of the strange and wonderful fact of having a relationship with an infinite and eternal God.
Great, Now What? Ahhh yes, Now You Are Asking a Better Question:
So what do we do when we are faced with a situation we don’t like, when we are faced with a situation we don’t understand and when we are faced with a situation we can’t change?
The first thing we need to do is remind each other to trust God, we need to remind ourselves that He is sovereign and rest in the fact – take comfort in the fact - that His will will be done on earth as it is in heaven. In reminding each other to trust God we shouldn’t do this in word only.
Words can sound hollow and unhelpful during times of grief and struggle. So we need to come around each other. We need to be with each other. We need to just sit with each other - maybe not even saying a word.
When those around you are faced with situations they don’t understand and can’t explain, just be available. Some won’t ask for your presence and others will probably say they are fine and that you need not bother yourself with them, but do what you can to be a presence and to be a support remembering to keep your words to a minimum. Your presence representing the presence of God will be a great comfort to them.
What Now?
Another thing we can do is change our question from a “why” question to a “what now” question. Instead of asking God why something is the way it is or why something happened, ask God “what now”. “Now that this has happened, what do you will me to do? What do you want me to do? How do you want me to proceed?”
I think God will give you answers to those "what now" questions quite readily because the answers will involve the reasons he created you and the purposes He created you for. You will find renewed purpose and energy and spiritual victory in the answers to your “what now” questions. You will learn a lot more by asking "what now" than you will by asking "why". The answer to “why” is often part of the supernatural realm of the Almighty, All-knowing God and He doesn’t always share his reasons. The answer to “what now” is often found in our physical realm and therefore well within the abilities that God has given us and the role He has given us to subdue and rule in this world. Trust the “why” to God and don’t try to explain things you don’t understand. Instead, sit with those who are hurting, hug them, hold them, let them grieve, comfort them, feed them, bandage their wounds.
These are examples of the answer to the question: “What do we do now?”
It is natural and normal to ask “why” questions when we are faced with tough challenges and things we don’t understand.
When we don’t understand things we ask why questions like: “Why are your dirty socks on the floor?” “Why can’t you put them in the laundry?” “Why does your mother visit so often?”
Or more seriously, when we don’t understand things we ask God why questions in the same way that the writers of the Psalms did. Read these why questions in the Psalms:
Psalm 10:1 Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
Psalm 22:1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
Psalm 42:9 I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
Psalm 43:2 You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
Psalm 44:24 Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression?
Psalm 74:1 Why have you rejected us forever, O God? Why does your anger smolder against the sheep of your pasture?
Psalm 88:14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me?
We also ask God other some other personal and very serious “why” questions. When we are troubled and we don’t understand things we ask God things like: “Why won’t you heal my child?” “Why won’t my spouse love me?” “Why did my loved one have to die?”
I repeat: It is natural and normal to ask why questions when we are faced with situations we don’t like and don’t understand. Occasionally, I do communication training for couples and groups. I teach them that asking too many “why” questions can be an ineffective communication style. I teach them that asking too many "why" questions can create roadblocks to fully understanding each other. I teach them that "why" questions are usually just thinly veiled complaints pretending to be questions. In American culture we are told it is okay to ask questions, but it is not okay to complain. So we have learned to ask questions that are really just complaints.
When you ask: “Why are your dirty socks on the floor?” I think you are really saying: “I don’t like it when I find your dirty socks on the floor. Please put them in the laundry.” I am using this why question as the example because we all can relate to it and it is a relatively mild example so you can understand my point. From there you can apply what you learn to other types of "why" questions.
When you ask why questions you trick yourself and others into thinking you really want an answer. If you ask: “Why are your dirty socks on the floor?” It is reasonable to assume you want an answer. So what if you get this answer:
“Well you see. When I came home from work I was tired so I sat down to watch some t.v.. I took off my shoes and socks and fell asleep. I meant to put my socks in the laundry but when I woke up I was so groggy that I just stumbled into bed and forgot all about them…until now. So now you know why my dirty sock are on the floor.”
Now to be honest if you get that answer the conversation is likely to proceed like this:
“I don’t care why your socks are on the floor I just want you to pick them up and stop leaving them there.”
“But you asked ‘Why are your socks on the floor?’ so I told you.”
“I know I asked but I don’t care why I just want you to pick them up.”
“Oh, ok. I’ll pick them up then.”
You see, “why” questions are often just statements of complaint and not really questions at all. Think about that fact when you see "why" questions in scripture like we just read.
Sometimes when we ask a "why" question there is a really good answer to the question, but the reason why still doesn’t satisfy us because all we really want is for the situation to be different than it is. Consider the dirty socks again:
“Why are your dirty socks on the floor?”
“Well let me tell you. I got home from work, took off my shoes and socks. Just as I was taking them to the laundry I noticed the neighbor’s house was on fire so I ran out barefoot, rescued five people from the flames, helped the fireman put out the fire, took the injured to the hospital and got home just before you did and started making supper for you. That’s why my socks are still on the floor.”
“Oh. Well...good job...but are you going to pick up your socks now?”
You see here that even a really great answer does not satisfy us when all we want is for the situation to be different. Good and factual and logical answers don’t comfort real emotions.
Think of a "why" question you have. If Jesus himself were to appear before you and answer your "why" question in detail can you even imagine a good enough answer where your response would be: “Ok God...I understand now. Thank you for doing all this. It makes perfect sense. Now that you have explained it, I understand and I am pleased with what you are doing and allowing.” I guarantee you wouldn’t say that because you will still want God to deal with your hurts and your heart. Even if God Himself provides you with good and factual answers, you would not find that your emotions have been soothed.
Why not?
"Why" questions are often emotion based, but strangely they seem to call for factual and logical answers. So when we give or receive factual and logical answers to an emotional question there is no emotional satisfaction. The answers to "why" questions often miss the emotions that are prompting the "why" question so the answers actually do little good.
If Jesus thought we could benefit from the fullest answer to our "why" questions, I think He would freely give it to us. Frankly, I also think that if Jesus were to bless us with the fullest answer to our "why" questions I don’t think any of us would even understand it anyway.
Consider Isaiah 55:8-9
8"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Jesus knows that if even if you happen to get a good answer to “why” you still have to deal with the emotional pain and physical reality of the situation. Consider this example: Say you have a toothache so you go to the dentist and ask him to look at it and explain what’s going on. The dentist will examine you and at the end of the examination he will say:
“Okay. I know what’s going on. I can tell you why you are having to deal with this pain.”
Then he will go on to explain all the reasons why you are experiencing what you are experiencing.
What if at the end of the explanations he says: “Well I’ve answered all your questions that’ll be $100. Thank you for coming in and letting me explain this to you.”
You’d say: “No way. All you did was explain why I was in pain. You didn’t do anything to make me feel better.”
You have just learned that a good answer to a why questions doesn’t make you feel any better. You still want something done. You still want something to change. Even if the explanation made perfect sense, you are still in pain. I think that means we really don’t need to know why, but we do need and want to know what can be done, what will be done to help us.
I think when we ask big why questions of God He just doesn’t answer us sometimes. He loves us, but he might not answer because he knows we are really just expressing that we don’t like a situation and really don’t need to know the reason why. I am sure He knows when we are just expressing our displeasure at something. In that case, there is no point in explaining anything to us. God also knows that even if we knew the why of a situation, the pain would still be there. At other times I think He has a really good answer, but He can’t share it because even if He would share the complete and full answer we wouldn’t comprehend it anyway – we couldn’t comprehend it. We couldn’t understand it because His ways and His thoughts are so far beyond our thoughts and ways.
Will "Why" Questions Be answered in heaven?
I have come to believe that even after I get to heaven I won’t get full and complete and satisfactory answers to some of my questions because even there I won’t be equal to God. I still won’t be able to fully comprehend His ways and His thoughts. Even in heaven I will be constantly learning things about God and His ways and His thoughts and will never fully understand all there is to know about Him and His ways. That is an aspect of the strange and wonderful fact of having a relationship with an infinite and eternal God.
Great, Now What? Ahhh yes, Now You Are Asking a Better Question:
So what do we do when we are faced with a situation we don’t like, when we are faced with a situation we don’t understand and when we are faced with a situation we can’t change?
The first thing we need to do is remind each other to trust God, we need to remind ourselves that He is sovereign and rest in the fact – take comfort in the fact - that His will will be done on earth as it is in heaven. In reminding each other to trust God we shouldn’t do this in word only.
Words can sound hollow and unhelpful during times of grief and struggle. So we need to come around each other. We need to be with each other. We need to just sit with each other - maybe not even saying a word.
When those around you are faced with situations they don’t understand and can’t explain, just be available. Some won’t ask for your presence and others will probably say they are fine and that you need not bother yourself with them, but do what you can to be a presence and to be a support remembering to keep your words to a minimum. Your presence representing the presence of God will be a great comfort to them.
What Now?
Another thing we can do is change our question from a “why” question to a “what now” question. Instead of asking God why something is the way it is or why something happened, ask God “what now”. “Now that this has happened, what do you will me to do? What do you want me to do? How do you want me to proceed?”
I think God will give you answers to those "what now" questions quite readily because the answers will involve the reasons he created you and the purposes He created you for. You will find renewed purpose and energy and spiritual victory in the answers to your “what now” questions. You will learn a lot more by asking "what now" than you will by asking "why". The answer to “why” is often part of the supernatural realm of the Almighty, All-knowing God and He doesn’t always share his reasons. The answer to “what now” is often found in our physical realm and therefore well within the abilities that God has given us and the role He has given us to subdue and rule in this world. Trust the “why” to God and don’t try to explain things you don’t understand. Instead, sit with those who are hurting, hug them, hold them, let them grieve, comfort them, feed them, bandage their wounds.
These are examples of the answer to the question: “What do we do now?”
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
How Come?
How come "how come" means the same thing as "why"?
As in: "I won't be home until late?" Response: "How come?"
Anybody got a clue?
Why don't you hear the phrase: "How come not?" as a substitute for "Why not?"
As in: "I didn't get my chores done." Response you don't hear: "How come not?"
I do have a serious post called "What is the Best Response to Why". It is in the works, but not quite ready yet. I hope to share it with you soon.
As in: "I won't be home until late?" Response: "How come?"
Anybody got a clue?
Why don't you hear the phrase: "How come not?" as a substitute for "Why not?"
As in: "I didn't get my chores done." Response you don't hear: "How come not?"
I do have a serious post called "What is the Best Response to Why". It is in the works, but not quite ready yet. I hope to share it with you soon.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
For Whom the Bell Tolls
"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less... [Likewise] Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee..." (by John Donne Meditation 17 Devotions upon Emergent Occasions)
The bolded phrase is a famous quote that I often consider when I hear of someone's passing; especially of a person I didn't know well, but was from my community. The context to Mr. Donne's devotional is that in times past the community would toll (ring) the church bell to signal the passing of a member of the community. Those in the surrounding countryside would send someone to town to find out for whom the bell tolls.
He was making the point that a part of each of us passes away with every member of mankind that passes away. Back then, in a small community if you were close to the person who died, you would already know for whom the bell tolls at the time you heard it. But, if you were not close to the person, you might be curious enough to send to know for whom the bells tolls; however, when it comes right down to it, the specific name may not really matter so much because no matter for whom the bell happens to be tolling you are actually being notified that a part of you has been diminished..."it tolls for thee".
On Sunday, August 2, 2009 the bell tolled in my community of Lacey, WA for a young man who died in a sad and traumatic accident. Today, August 9, 2009, my family attended the visitation and tomorrow we will attend the memorial. He was a friend and a classmate of my eldest daughter. His sisters are friends of our family and considered part of our family. My wife is friends with the parents of two of the other boys involved in the accident. I don't really know any of the others involved in the accident or their families and had never even shaken hands with the young man who died. I do consider his two sisters to be my friends and almost like daughters to me.
Yet, despite the lack of a direct and close personal connection to this young man, this young man's death has diminished me. I felt this diminishment strongly as I stood around at the visitation. I know I will feel it tomorrow at the memorial. This diminishment is not just because I see my daughter grieving the loss of her friend or my friends grieving the loss of their brother. I was not even able to read the notes written in his memory on a giant board because they exposed the sense of loss and grief that is within me and I really did not want to cry in that setting. Inside I am grieving the loss of a young man I have never met simply because we were both involved in mankind and had close personal connections in common.
In a way I am surprised at the depth of my emotion over this. I shouldn't be because I have long believed the truth of the statement that "any man's death diminishes me", but I am surprised nonetheless. Therefore, I am reminded again that any man's death should be a trigger for me to consider my own life and the impact I am making. I encourage you to make something useful out of the death of this fine young man by considering your own life and the directions you are taking and decisions you are making.
The bolded phrase is a famous quote that I often consider when I hear of someone's passing; especially of a person I didn't know well, but was from my community. The context to Mr. Donne's devotional is that in times past the community would toll (ring) the church bell to signal the passing of a member of the community. Those in the surrounding countryside would send someone to town to find out for whom the bell tolls.
He was making the point that a part of each of us passes away with every member of mankind that passes away. Back then, in a small community if you were close to the person who died, you would already know for whom the bell tolls at the time you heard it. But, if you were not close to the person, you might be curious enough to send to know for whom the bells tolls; however, when it comes right down to it, the specific name may not really matter so much because no matter for whom the bell happens to be tolling you are actually being notified that a part of you has been diminished..."it tolls for thee".
On Sunday, August 2, 2009 the bell tolled in my community of Lacey, WA for a young man who died in a sad and traumatic accident. Today, August 9, 2009, my family attended the visitation and tomorrow we will attend the memorial. He was a friend and a classmate of my eldest daughter. His sisters are friends of our family and considered part of our family. My wife is friends with the parents of two of the other boys involved in the accident. I don't really know any of the others involved in the accident or their families and had never even shaken hands with the young man who died. I do consider his two sisters to be my friends and almost like daughters to me.
Yet, despite the lack of a direct and close personal connection to this young man, this young man's death has diminished me. I felt this diminishment strongly as I stood around at the visitation. I know I will feel it tomorrow at the memorial. This diminishment is not just because I see my daughter grieving the loss of her friend or my friends grieving the loss of their brother. I was not even able to read the notes written in his memory on a giant board because they exposed the sense of loss and grief that is within me and I really did not want to cry in that setting. Inside I am grieving the loss of a young man I have never met simply because we were both involved in mankind and had close personal connections in common.
In a way I am surprised at the depth of my emotion over this. I shouldn't be because I have long believed the truth of the statement that "any man's death diminishes me", but I am surprised nonetheless. Therefore, I am reminded again that any man's death should be a trigger for me to consider my own life and the impact I am making. I encourage you to make something useful out of the death of this fine young man by considering your own life and the directions you are taking and decisions you are making.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Knowledge is Advantage
Two posts in two days. That's a new one.
You have heard the adage: "Knowledge is Power". It is true. However, I prefer to think of knowledge as being advantage. I began thinking about this while working in the yard today. I do some of my best thinking there. The prompt was that I was given some rather innocuous information about one of my children today. I shared it with my wife but not with the particular child. Why? Because having knowledge that someone doesn't know you have provides an advantage. I won't use this knowledge and this advantage to hurt my child in anyway, but it is good to know that I know something that she doesn't know I know.
Think about knowledge being advantage in the context of wartime military codes. During WWII the British knew the German Enigma code, but the Germans didn't know the British knew it so they kept using it. Advantage: British. However consider this scenario: What if the British had known the German code and the Germans had known that the British knew the German code, but the British didn't know that the Germans knew that the British knew the code? Advantage: Germans because they could send false messages that the British would believe. (In that sentence the only "didn't know" was associated with the British therefore they have the disadvantage.)
Here is one application of this blog: If you want an advantage in life, gain knowledge. Better yet, gain knowledge that not everyone knows. Better still, when you obtain a piece of knowledge you can share it with those close to you, but don't blab everything you know to everyone all the time. It's to your advantage.
You have heard the adage: "Knowledge is Power". It is true. However, I prefer to think of knowledge as being advantage. I began thinking about this while working in the yard today. I do some of my best thinking there. The prompt was that I was given some rather innocuous information about one of my children today. I shared it with my wife but not with the particular child. Why? Because having knowledge that someone doesn't know you have provides an advantage. I won't use this knowledge and this advantage to hurt my child in anyway, but it is good to know that I know something that she doesn't know I know.
Think about knowledge being advantage in the context of wartime military codes. During WWII the British knew the German Enigma code, but the Germans didn't know the British knew it so they kept using it. Advantage: British. However consider this scenario: What if the British had known the German code and the Germans had known that the British knew the German code, but the British didn't know that the Germans knew that the British knew the code? Advantage: Germans because they could send false messages that the British would believe. (In that sentence the only "didn't know" was associated with the British therefore they have the disadvantage.)
Here is one application of this blog: If you want an advantage in life, gain knowledge. Better yet, gain knowledge that not everyone knows. Better still, when you obtain a piece of knowledge you can share it with those close to you, but don't blab everything you know to everyone all the time. It's to your advantage.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Just Say NO To Compromise
I don't think we should compromise with others to reach peaceful resolutions and solutions to issues. Some talk like compromise is a "win-win". It is not. Compromise creates lose-lose situations because people willingly give up things that they would prefer to have. How is that a win?
I also don't think we should demand unconditional surrender of others to reach resolutions and bring solutions to issues. Unconditional surrender results in a win-lose situation. (NOTE: I am talking about personal human relationships and interactions here. In times of war between nations I am in favor of demanding unconditional surrender. If a problem between nations cannot be resolved peacefully and resorts to war, then there should be a complete and convincing victory by one party).
What I advocate as a method for resolving problems of human interaction is "union". Union - a coming together - to solve problems results in a true win-win. When we unite with God as in "He who loses his life for MY (God's) sake will find it", God wins a relationship with us and we win a relationship with God. God wins our life. We win our life. This is how I paraphrase this reference: "He who qualitatively alters his life and he who drastically changes his definition of the meaning of life and freedom will find both."
I have inserted below a pictorial representation of how I see compromise. In the first set of blocks you have two differing views - in this case "blue" and "yellow". In order to compromise each view must have a piece cut out of the view in order for it to "fit" with the other. In the end the two views "fit" together nicely, but at a cost. Each had to have a portion cut out and each view had to give up a part of itself. The worst part is this: The two views are now merely placed together because they happen to "fit", but there is no staying power. The two views are just sitting side by side and can be easily pulled apart with the least bit of stress applied to them. The holders of the original views can still easily distinguish their contributions and might be tempted to accentuate their own views over the other views.
Below is a pictorial representation of how I see union. In the first set of blocks you have two differing views - again in this case "blue" and "yellow". In order to form a union each view must be altered in order to be "joined" with the other. (The alteration is represented by diagonal lines). In the end the views come together and "fit" nicely in an overlapping and interwoven fashion while also forming a new blended view ("green"). All of the "blue" is still there as is all of the "yellow". In the end a new viewpoint is formed by all the elements of the original views and a portion of that new view is a true combination of the originals. Forming a union creates a strong bond. This new view is presumed to be superior to either of the originals and cannot be undone without significant effort and stress - if it can be undone at all. In fact, the holders of the original views will work together to preserve the union because they can no longer easily distinguish and separate their own ideas and they will recognize the advantages of the union.
Unions are much harder and more work to develop than compromises. Unions are qualitatively different from compromises, but much better in the end for the individuals and organizations involved. Unions also result in much healthier and more productive solutions and result in solutions that have staying power.
I also don't think we should demand unconditional surrender of others to reach resolutions and bring solutions to issues. Unconditional surrender results in a win-lose situation. (NOTE: I am talking about personal human relationships and interactions here. In times of war between nations I am in favor of demanding unconditional surrender. If a problem between nations cannot be resolved peacefully and resorts to war, then there should be a complete and convincing victory by one party).
What I advocate as a method for resolving problems of human interaction is "union". Union - a coming together - to solve problems results in a true win-win. When we unite with God as in "He who loses his life for MY (God's) sake will find it", God wins a relationship with us and we win a relationship with God. God wins our life. We win our life. This is how I paraphrase this reference: "He who qualitatively alters his life and he who drastically changes his definition of the meaning of life and freedom will find both."
I have inserted below a pictorial representation of how I see compromise. In the first set of blocks you have two differing views - in this case "blue" and "yellow". In order to compromise each view must have a piece cut out of the view in order for it to "fit" with the other. In the end the two views "fit" together nicely, but at a cost. Each had to have a portion cut out and each view had to give up a part of itself. The worst part is this: The two views are now merely placed together because they happen to "fit", but there is no staying power. The two views are just sitting side by side and can be easily pulled apart with the least bit of stress applied to them. The holders of the original views can still easily distinguish their contributions and might be tempted to accentuate their own views over the other views.
Below is a pictorial representation of how I see union. In the first set of blocks you have two differing views - again in this case "blue" and "yellow". In order to form a union each view must be altered in order to be "joined" with the other. (The alteration is represented by diagonal lines). In the end the views come together and "fit" nicely in an overlapping and interwoven fashion while also forming a new blended view ("green"). All of the "blue" is still there as is all of the "yellow". In the end a new viewpoint is formed by all the elements of the original views and a portion of that new view is a true combination of the originals. Forming a union creates a strong bond. This new view is presumed to be superior to either of the originals and cannot be undone without significant effort and stress - if it can be undone at all. In fact, the holders of the original views will work together to preserve the union because they can no longer easily distinguish and separate their own ideas and they will recognize the advantages of the union.
Unions are much harder and more work to develop than compromises. Unions are qualitatively different from compromises, but much better in the end for the individuals and organizations involved. Unions also result in much healthier and more productive solutions and result in solutions that have staying power.
How do we work toward unions? For me, I focus much meditation time on Philippians 2:3-4:
I think the concepts expressed by Paul through the influence of the Holy Spirit represent my meaning of engaging in unions with others to solve problems. If I look out for your interests and you look out for mine, we will arrive at a solution that is much better than if we merely look out for our own interests and give up (compromise) on things we are willing to do without. If I am willing to cut something out of a plan, it must not be very useful or important and I probably don't believe it adds any real value to the solution anyway.
I think we can solve most human interation and relationship problems with unions that preserve the wholeness of the persons involved and the wholeness of their ideas and desires. In the end we will have solutions that have more lasting value and that are stronger than any of the original ideas.
I wish I could give you some specific suggestions for your situation, but I can't because forming unions is hard work and each union must be worked out and worked on diligently by a joint effort between the parties involved. I am available to talk with you though.
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